Family making offerings at Kunzang Palyul Choling Temple
Family: What Is the Purpose?
By Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo
Since ordination is so central to Tibetan Buddhism, I am often asked what the point is of marriage and family.
First, I will say that the status of householder is well recognized. A Buddhist householder who upholds Genyen vows is committed to the path to the point that there is a certain degree of renunciation. Not to the degree of bikshu or bikshuni, but still present.
From that description, one can see that the modern ideas of love and marriage are not helpful. Generally we “fall in love” due to strong attraction, sexual desire, the wish to be connected in a profound way. Often there is the biological need to procreate and pass our genes on. Due to strong attraction and desire, we are often compelled or driven to be with someone.
Actually, those are not good reasons to get married. The best reasons are shared goals, shared path, shared capacity both spiritual and intellectual, and the love that is born of respect for one another, understanding of each other’s needs, and a willingness to share life’s ups and downs.
The superior way of marriage is when both parties are committed to the path and to living the life of a Bodhisattva together. The best marriage is the one that supports both parties in such a way as to enhance their spiritual life. To interact with kindness and a respect for each other’s efforts on the path, and to catalyze true effort and result. An example would be one parent “holding down the fort” while the other is in retreat.
In a marriage, both parties should encourage each other to develop their very best qualities, and support each other in uprooting their poisons and abandoning them. The quality of a relationship born of faith and compassion is much different from an ordinary marriage based on material goals. The mutual embrace of a sacred life is deepening, and bonding. And satisfying in the long run.
Such a marriage is capable of bringing into the world children of great promise. By their parents’ teachings, they will come to know truth. By their parents’ example, they will learn to love and respect. These are the children who will be empowered to stand for truth, inner peace, strong wholesome values, and faith.
In short, marriage and family can be powerful agents for creating a better, more balanced world. From generation to generation, therefore, this is a blessing that keeps on giving.
My reply is more a request for opinion.I have been married for 30 years.My wife was sane and happy when we married.We had 4 children,One died at 19,one is a type 1 diabetic.I have been of the Buddhist faith for over 20 years.I am not happy but feel responsible to my wife,and son (two children are older and moved away)I have no friends or family to speak to of this.My wife needs medical help but will not accept the idea.My question is.Is it wrong for me to feel that I am responsible for their welfare (mental and physical)to the point of its making my life chaotic and unhappy.
Thank you for writing and visiting.
I first notice how your question is asked. It seems you are on the cusp of making a very important decision. You lined up your question as though you were rationalizing your commitment issues. That’s OK. Something like this must be thought through carefully.
In general, though, I don’t have enough information.
What is the illness for which your wife will not seek help?
What is now so chaotic to you?
I suspect you speak of mental health issues. True? How severe is the illness? Enough to warrent hospitalization? Is your wife a danger to herself or others?
If your wife is very ill there are issues of ethical responsibility. If not so ill, maybe not so much. You will always be responsible as your children’s father.
Thirty years is a long time. Is your wife a Buddhist also? Your children?
If not you may follow the tradition that many Tibetan and Indian householders do. When the marriage and child rearing come naturally to an end, the next phase of life begins. Normally they go deeply into their practice and faith with retreat, receiving teachings, and basing the rest of this life on creating auspiciousness for every future life. And one’s concern broadens from the personal family to the human family, to the family of all sentient beings. Deep compassion is cultivated.
Perhaps as you grow in Dharma you can serve as a guide for your family. Or, in the householder’s eastern model, simply move forward and onward.
I hope this has been of some assistance.
But please, never abandon your ethical precepts. They are the foundation of our path.
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Thank You Jetsunma for responding.
A blessing from you would go a long way considering that as many times I have been to KPC I have never been able too see you.My wife does have mental issues that are trying to say the least,but in all honesty,she is not dangerous to anyone in a physical sense.Thanks for the words of wisdom,as I usually do,I will always be ethical with regards to everything.Thank you very much.I wish you long life.
Robert