Jetsunma: Student 1, if you can’t do the program, you will remain seriously mentally ill. The consequence is your mind will continue to get worse and worse and you will end up losing your job, possibly not too far from now. You have to face the fact that you are mentally disabled, severely mentally ill, it ain’t pretty and we all watch it. I know you won’t listen to me, you never do. Do you want me to find a man to say this to you? Because that’s easy. Anyone with eyes can say that to you. You have to get a hold of your mind! Or your old age won’t be pretty.
Student 1: I understand Rinpoche. I am renewing my commitment to ACA going to a meeting tonight and planning to do a meeting a day for at least 30 days. I will continue with “A New Hope” and can start “The Loving Parent Guidebook”… or any method you think is appropriate. Other things that helped me before were consistency in daily Ngondro practice, making sure I eat (heartily) on time, going to bed on time, staying off social media. Not being involved with any activity outside of KPC for a while, as Student 2 told me you instructed.
Jetsunma: The truth is you will not do any of the things you’re promising to do. You’re just talking talking talking with no mind or heart behind any of it. You are not going to do the program, you’re not doing it well, you won’t accomplish anything. Keep listening to your parents. Look what that’s done for you. You’re leaving for sure. It’s just a matter of time.
Student 2: Student 1, do you realize that you did not commit to doing the program until you were firm in your recovery? You’re creating a box to check, rather than embracing the transformation that is being asked of you. You use all the business as an excuse to not really confront your real problems.
Student 1: There is something going on with Raja. Multiple times today when I’ve checked on them, he has been near the top of the water opening and closing his mouth. It could possibly be a sign of gill flukes.
Jetsunma: Sounds like you’re freaking out and trying to make yourself useful. Use that energy to heal yourself. Student 1 you are sick, and you are getting sicker. I know your whole family is like that so you can’t see it. But you have to get a hold of your mind. You so desperately desperately need attention you’ll do what ever it takes, even if it is for us to criticize you. Your poor sick hungry ghost. Pull yourself together or leave.
Student 1: I’m very sorry Rinpoche. I definitely see the sickness and the relapse. I know I’m not coming from the heart. I do see more of my patterns in this. I realize I have continued to do harm in the process and have lost ground in recovery. I have a lot of regret and I am very sorry to you all, to all the fish, and all other sentient beings who have hopes of us. I know you have no reason to trust me but I will keep trying.
Jetsunma: I wish you would tell me that you could defend yourself from this sickness, that you will be stalwart and fight it. But the pull of your family is so strong, I really wish you could get to a place where you were not asking them for help. I wish you were committed to a course like that, rather than just spinning. An all embracing plan where you can abandon the sick way of living you have. That’s what I wish you would tell me. Why? Because I care about you. You’re pushing it pretty thin, but I care about you.
Student 1: I wish that I could tell you that too Rinpoche, and I hope to tell you that in the future, hopefully sooner rather than later. I think that’s actually what my mental and emotional relapse is about, holding that separation in my mind and then regressing because I’m afraid. I would also like to see myself communicating with you more honestly, openly, and from the heart.
Jetsunma: You know you can’t get to your heart until you let your parents go. Your father really. Your father has control of you still. I’m sorry your mother was such a numbnuts.
Thank you Student 1, that’s the first real thing I’ve heard come out of your mouth in a long time. Student 1, will you now feed them twice a day as I asked you to do. You can see how hungry they are.
