Family: What Is the Purpose?
By Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo
Since ordination is so central to Tibetan Buddhism, I am often asked what the point is of marriage and family.
First, I will say that the status of householder is well recognized. A Buddhist householder who upholds Genyen vows is committed to the path to the point that there is a certain degree of renunciation. Not to the degree of bikshu or bikshuni, but still present.
From that description, one can see that the modern ideas of love and marriage are not helpful. Generally we “fall in love” due to strong attraction, sexual desire, the wish to be connected in a profound way. Often there is the biological need to procreate and pass our genes on. Due to strong attraction and desire, we are often compelled or driven to be with someone.
Actually, those are not good reasons to get married. The best reasons are shared goals, shared path, shared capacity both spiritual and intellectual, and the love that is born of respect for one another, understanding of each other’s needs, and a willingness to share life’s ups and downs.
The superior way of marriage is when both parties are committed to the path and to living the life of a Bodhisattva together. The best marriage is the one that supports both parties in such a way as to enhance their spiritual life. To interact with kindness and a respect for each other’s efforts on the path, and to catalyze true effort and result. An example would be one parent “holding down the fort” while the other is in retreat.
In a marriage, both parties should encourage each other to develop their very best qualities, and support each other in uprooting their poisons and abandoning them. The quality of a relationship born of faith and compassion is much different from an ordinary marriage based on material goals. The mutual embrace of a sacred life is deepening, and bonding. And satisfying in the long run.
Such a marriage is capable of bringing into the world children of great promise. By their parents’ teachings, they will come to know truth. By their parents’ example, they will learn to love and respect. These are the children who will be empowered to stand for truth, inner peace, strong wholesome values, and faith.
In short, marriage and family can be powerful agents for creating a better, more balanced world. From generation to generation, therefore, this is a blessing that keeps on giving.